Response to: Are you the coward beating up on your wife or fiancée?
This is my response to Mr. Innocent Chia's article: Are you the coward beating up on your wife or fiancée?
Yes, shame on me, shame on Ray Rice, shame on you too the wife/partner/fiance beater. You are right Mr. Chia, we are cowards. Cowards for being perpetrators, onlookers, silent spectators/accomplices, etc. Most of us have been programmed to to be violent towards women by the subtle and all too significant carvings of evolution, by our own inadequacies hence insecurities. In abusing our power, we have failed to do two things, conquer our fears and exercise restraint.
The theory of trophy wives, inferiority complex and Innocent’s stay on the perpetrator are subjective assessments that only begin to scratch the surface of the global problem of spousal abuse in particular and abuses in general. For instance, your average commercial, male conversation, Christian and Muslim religion objectify the woman as a trophy for a deserving and conquering male. Yes, it may be about not having a father or having one that punches your mother like a mad boxer, but in the end, as he rightly said, it is about the lack of restraint of the man and the man alone. Some of us lost our dads when we were just kids, grew up with our mothers and still respect women as human beings, not because we were taught that in school, but because we made the choice. It is about us, the choices we make. I usually depart from the notion that each time a wayward behavior is ascertained, there is always a psychological explanation for the altered state.
When we feel the need to beat up on the partner, what are the alternatives? Innocent prescribes running away, leaving the woman there, with no one to vent to. It may work, once or twice but is this a trustworthy solution? If you are quick to discern, you will notice the suggestion that women are quarrelsome/belligerent, so temptingly troublesome that the best way to deal with them is to walk away as “a gentleman” (whatever that means) would. I have no doubt in my mind that Innocent means well, I have no doubt that he respects his wife, but like me, there is a society that contributed to condition us into accepting stereotypes. That said, I recognize it may serve to walk away, but may I suggest to you the man and the woman to do a little research on how you got to that level of disagreement and that you address the matter. In the heat of the moment, I say to the man or woman or whoever is able to be calm “to weather the storm”. We eventually calm down. It is important to recognize that unless you got into a relationship with an overwhelmingly obnoxious person, we all have a point regardless of how we express it. Dialogue, dialogue, and dialogue!
Innocent makes another mistake: he suggests that his sister’s husbands/boyfriends/partners are “gentlemen” and so he sleeps soundly. Maybe he should, but should the rest of us? Well if you query statistics and Google, you will see that the reason domestic violence is under reported is because most victims do not report the abuse. I am not as fortunate as Innocent: my aunt, my cousin, my dear sister(s?) have all been victims of violence against women and in some cases I cowardly stood by. 1 in 4 women will suffer an abuse of some sort. There is even the broader alarming harm of “psychological abuse”, equally harmful, that may or may not accompany the physical violence. No, let’s treat ALL women as potential victims and educate EVERYONE to recognize domestic violence be they victims or perpetrators. Let’s stop reassuring women that the abuser “will change” that women should “stop provoking them”. I give this free advise to ANYONE who has served as a punching bag for his/her partner: “Run, run and run”. Never look back!
And yes, he brought in the Bible! As an apologist he faults those who point the finger at Col. 3:18 as responsible for women abuse. I agree with Innocent that whether we exhibit bad behavior or not is not a function of our underlying belief, but just a manifestation of who we are as complex human beings. I could have dismissed Col. 3:18 if no one took it seriously because it is what it is: absolute rubbish, but because “bad” people use it as a justification for their evil thereby giving their behavior a twisted legitimacy, because women and children have died with justification from that Bible, I say let’s call the Bible out on what it is: an oppressive document that has fully outlived it’s pernicious relevance. I dare Mr. Innocent Chia and other Bible apologists to quote one law passed by human beings in any society that is used as justification to harm and that is not inspired by the Bible or the Koran. The Bible is a festive feeding ground for anyone who wants to objectify a woman, shut her up and put her in “her place”. The old and new testaments abound of stories of loot and rape (sometimes prescribed by God himself!). I ask not that you trust me, but read your Bible again while wearing your reasoning and thinking hat (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 (NIV) 28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.)! I asked Google what some people say about the Bible and Women. Here we go:
http://slartyobrian.hubpages.com/hub/The-Bible-and-The-Oppression-of-Woman http://www.biblicalnonsense.com/chapter10.html
http://www.religioustolerance.org/fem_bibl.htm
Mr. Innocent Chia is smarter than suggesting that the Bible and women should mix. The failure of which is demonstrated by the fact that he finds the need and time to apologize for the Bible. I am really happy that Mr. Chia wrote this article. I am absolutely sure that he means well. Our disagreements put aside, the conversation on violence against women in particular and violence in general is fiercely urgent and requires the input of all. These are my two cents, for now.
My recommendation: speak up!
Yes, shame on me, shame on Ray Rice, shame on you too the wife/partner/fiance beater. You are right Mr. Chia, we are cowards. Cowards for being perpetrators, onlookers, silent spectators/accomplices, etc. Most of us have been programmed to to be violent towards women by the subtle and all too significant carvings of evolution, by our own inadequacies hence insecurities. In abusing our power, we have failed to do two things, conquer our fears and exercise restraint.
The theory of trophy wives, inferiority complex and Innocent’s stay on the perpetrator are subjective assessments that only begin to scratch the surface of the global problem of spousal abuse in particular and abuses in general. For instance, your average commercial, male conversation, Christian and Muslim religion objectify the woman as a trophy for a deserving and conquering male. Yes, it may be about not having a father or having one that punches your mother like a mad boxer, but in the end, as he rightly said, it is about the lack of restraint of the man and the man alone. Some of us lost our dads when we were just kids, grew up with our mothers and still respect women as human beings, not because we were taught that in school, but because we made the choice. It is about us, the choices we make. I usually depart from the notion that each time a wayward behavior is ascertained, there is always a psychological explanation for the altered state.
Innocent makes another mistake: he suggests that his sister’s husbands/boyfriends/partners are “gentlemen” and so he sleeps soundly. Maybe he should, but should the rest of us? Well if you query statistics and Google, you will see that the reason domestic violence is under reported is because most victims do not report the abuse. I am not as fortunate as Innocent: my aunt, my cousin, my dear sister(s?) have all been victims of violence against women and in some cases I cowardly stood by. 1 in 4 women will suffer an abuse of some sort. There is even the broader alarming harm of “psychological abuse”, equally harmful, that may or may not accompany the physical violence. No, let’s treat ALL women as potential victims and educate EVERYONE to recognize domestic violence be they victims or perpetrators. Let’s stop reassuring women that the abuser “will change” that women should “stop provoking them”. I give this free advise to ANYONE who has served as a punching bag for his/her partner: “Run, run and run”. Never look back!
And yes, he brought in the Bible! As an apologist he faults those who point the finger at Col. 3:18 as responsible for women abuse. I agree with Innocent that whether we exhibit bad behavior or not is not a function of our underlying belief, but just a manifestation of who we are as complex human beings. I could have dismissed Col. 3:18 if no one took it seriously because it is what it is: absolute rubbish, but because “bad” people use it as a justification for their evil thereby giving their behavior a twisted legitimacy, because women and children have died with justification from that Bible, I say let’s call the Bible out on what it is: an oppressive document that has fully outlived it’s pernicious relevance. I dare Mr. Innocent Chia and other Bible apologists to quote one law passed by human beings in any society that is used as justification to harm and that is not inspired by the Bible or the Koran. The Bible is a festive feeding ground for anyone who wants to objectify a woman, shut her up and put her in “her place”. The old and new testaments abound of stories of loot and rape (sometimes prescribed by God himself!). I ask not that you trust me, but read your Bible again while wearing your reasoning and thinking hat (Deuteronomy 22:28-29 (NIV) 28 If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, 29 he shall pay her father fifty shekels[a] of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.)! I asked Google what some people say about the Bible and Women. Here we go:
http://slartyobrian.hubpages.com/hub/The-Bible-and-The-Oppression-of-Woman http://www.biblicalnonsense.com/chapter10.html
http://www.religioustolerance.org/fem_bibl.htm
Mr. Innocent Chia is smarter than suggesting that the Bible and women should mix. The failure of which is demonstrated by the fact that he finds the need and time to apologize for the Bible. I am really happy that Mr. Chia wrote this article. I am absolutely sure that he means well. Our disagreements put aside, the conversation on violence against women in particular and violence in general is fiercely urgent and requires the input of all. These are my two cents, for now.
My recommendation: speak up!
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