How associations are changing and what that means for some members.

 Anecdote 1. We came early, and we were hungry. When it was time to eat, an impromptu MC asked us to stand up and pray. The prayer reciter looked in our direction as we were still seated and said in a disapproving voice, "Let us ALL stand up and bow our heads." I looked at her, smiled, and took out my phone. I remained seated. 

Anecdote 2. We had a good time at this reunion. We had rented a lodge, and about twenty of us enjoyed a camaraderie that spanned over thirty years. As we usually do, we talked about recent developments in our lives and how to make our relationships more relevant. Out of nowhere, one of the participants requested that we pray. I was completely thrown off guard and slightly upset. I said nothing. 

If you are from sub-Saharan Africa, there is a good chance that you belong to a cultural organization. It is usually associated with people who share something in common: language, customs, geographical location, lineage, etc. I belong to a few, but my list of affiliations is dwindling. I have struggled with the religiosity of our organizations, and at this point, I am ready to give up.

I love people, and I love the presence of others. I would drive six hours, spend a weekend at a hotel, only to be with people who share something in common with me. There is a certain ease in these relationships: I don't have to repeat what I say; I can use proverbs, innuendos and still get my message across. Side benefits include food, the occasional dancing, and partying.

Until recently, religion played a minute role in our meetings, barely noticeable. Things have changed tremendously. For full disclosure, I am a nonbeliever. I hold no superstitious beliefs: no devils, no satans, no gods, no witches, no jabu man, etc. I am deeply grounded in the physical, the empirical process, and science. The object of this piece, however, is not my beliefs. It is not essential. What is critical is the relationship that we build and observe when we meet in public/neutral/secular spaces.

In the two anecdotes above, I suffered from microaggressions. Whenever I go to meetings, and someone says, let us pray, I immediately suffer from an amygdala hijack. If you read about it, you will understand that it is an emotion beyond our control. I do not leave my house feeling queasy about religion. As a matter of fact, I prepare psychologically for religious utterances/torture but always fail to control my emotions when I am called to pray, for instance. 

I am not going to address the merits of prayers. It is not my place to establish their effectiveness or impotence. I am asking associations to review and redefine their stance on faith to dispel any misconceptions. So, for instance, I will NEVER be a member of the Manyu (or Ossing) Development Cultural and Christian Organization, just as I will never be a church member. If the Ossing meeting, one of those I belong to, decides it is a religiously affiliated organization, I will stop going to the Ossing meeting. Those who know and respect me will never invite me to a proselytizing event because they don't want to trigger negative emotions.

In the same way that the media warns viewers about offensive content, so must organizations warn their members if they own a religious agenda. For starters, cultural organizations must change their constitutions to spell out that they would pray at the beginning and end of the meeting. It would be honest and would change a lot for many members.

In education, we practice equity more than equality. As teachers, we don't share our time equally in the classroom. We spend our time leveling the access to content so that all our students can achieve a certain degree of success. We spend more time with students who don't get it immediately than those who do. We also avoid specific actions that we know would negatively affect students. I don't spice food to make one child feel sick even though everyone else loves the spice in my house. That's what I want my organizations to do.

Our groups should espouse the personality of a loving parent: accepting and tolerant of who we are all the time. I want to feel included in the meeting, as does a member who professes a Muslim or Christian faith. I don't like the inconvenience of leaving the meeting when it is time for prayer and coming back when it's done, as someone suggested to me recently. I don't do that to my students, children, friends, and those I love. I don't want anyone or any meeting to do it to me either. 

A secular organization is like a secular state. As stated by Gandhi, "If I were a dictator, religion and state would be separate. I swear by my religion. I will die for it. But it is my personal affair. The state has nothing to do with it. The state would look after your secular welfare, health, communications, foreign relations, currency, and so on, but not your or my religion. That is everybody's personal concern!"

Your religions and beliefs are important to you and should remain personal. When you drag it to the meeting, you become the perpetrator of dictatorship, intolerance, and abuse when you impose it in organizations. Prayer at conferences, at school, or at your job does not add any value to who you are. They do not define your character as a good or caring person, they do not affirm or refute your beliefs, but they produce stress, anxiety, and rejection for others and me. 

So, the next time you put prayer on the agenda, think not about what it adds to you but how it makes ME feel, whether I matter to you or the meeting. I may not be alone!